Here’s to 2017!

Have you ever tried cleaning puke chunks out of frieze carpet?

Recovering from the Cleanse of 2017
Recovering from the Cleanse of 2017

It’s not fun. But before we get there, let’s back up. It was really all my fault. On New Year’s Eve, I came down with a stomach bug so fierce, I’ll spare you the details.

No, I won’t. A blog is where the details are supposed to live. I was up every 30 minutes running to the toilet to ensure that the plumbing of the house was working. Have you ever heard of “Two Buckets Disease?” Yeah, it was bad. On a positive note, I lost all my holiday weight and then some. Nothing like starting the year with an all-out cleanse.

Fast forward to Tuesday evening. I have semi-recovered and started to entertain the possibility that it’s time to go back to work after the holidays. Determined to start 2017 strong, Eden and I are doing our best to get back into the routine by preparing for the next day. We had homemade pepperoni pizza, one with regular sauce and one with barbecue sauce. I hadn’t eaten a whole lot the previous two days, but still enjoyed a couple pieces, as did the rest of the family. We cleaned up, had some play time, and it was time for bed. As usual, when bedtime begins, so do the demands. “I’m hungry!” “I’m thirsty!” “I need to go potty!” “My stuffie (stuffed animal) needs a drink!” “I don’t want socks on!” “I want covers!” “I don’t want covers!” “I don’t want THAT water, it’s old!” But, I digress.

Anyhow, Noah went to the bathroom, and he had a bit of the runny type. Uh oh. We knew something was up. After potty and teeth brushing, Noah voluntarily got into bed and laid down. That’s weird, but we were busy cleaning two other tiny humans so we didn’t say anything.

Then, all hell broke loose.

While helping David finish brushing his teeth and not eat the toothbrush, I hear Eden sprint into the boys’ room. Then she called my name. Married dudes, isn’t it weird how you have one name, but your wife can say it in myriad different ways? This was that blood curdling, something has gone horribly wrong kind of way.

I run to the room to find Noah…covered in vomit….his sheets, covers, pillow, pajamas, and mattress covered in vomit. Did I mention he sleeps on the top bunk? Where was the preparation for this in parenting school? Why is there no PUKE 101 course? Somebody needs to get on that.

Eden uses her super mom strength to lift Noah down before I can say anything and I get him to the bathtub trying not to sprinkle a trail of chunks on the way. I get the bath started and Noah cleaned up enough to put him in it while Eden starts collecting any part of the bed that was touched by the vomit. Oh yeah, did I mention we chased the homemade pizza dinner down with a hearty bedtime snack of cheese and orange Gatorade? Yeah…we did.

It’s amazing how vomit can instantly make it bath and laundry time, no matter what time of day it is.

Noah finishes his bath, Eden somehow gets the mattress off the top bunk, again using her supermom strength. We get the laundry started, Noah dried off and his teeth brushed, and now it’s David’s turn.

To this point, David had been an innocent bystander watching it all unfold while commentating the whole thing. “Noah puked, Daddy.” “Noah is in the bath, Daddy.” “Daddy, Mommy’s cleaning.” I’m not sure at what point he decided he wanted to join in, but he did, in full force, right in the middle of the hallway on the frieze carpet. After the first wave of vomit met the carpet, I stumbled upon the scene with Noah watching in horror and thought it would be a good thing to try to catch the rest in my hands. That was dumb.

Now it’s bath time for David, and we have our second load of laundry ready to go. At this point, it is 10pm, and we are realizing we are nowhere near getting to sleep anytime soon. We get the boys cleaned and changed and make it a movie night on their own individual blankets with their own individual puke buckets. Noah learned how to use the puke bucket pretty quickly. David had to go potty and thankfully made it just in time.

We quarantined Eden and Selah to our bedroom as a safe zone, and I spent the night in the bottom bunk while the boys slept on a pile of blankets on the floor with their puke buckets close by. That night was spent waking up to dry heaves and lunging to get the puke buckets in front of them in time. Sometimes, I made it. Other times I didn’t. All the while having this sensation that, perhaps my own insides were not completely rid of this ferocious enemy of a stomach bug. I took the next couple days off making sure I was fully recovered and getting the boys fully recovered before trying to start the work-year off…again.

Somehow, Eden and Selah made it through unscathed. That is a miracle in and of itself. When it was all said and done, we completed somewhere between 10-15 loads of laundry as the vomit flowed during that first night and day. Needless to say, 2017 can really only get better from here. So here’s to the holiday cleanse of 2017 and wishing it upon nobody ever.

Happy New Year!



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